Fun With Snapeybot

What's a Snapeybot: In case you don't know how a bot works, it's a computer program that you can chat with, like in AIM or Yahoo IM or whatever. Every time you type in a comment or question, it displays a response. This is supposed to simulate human conversation. The thing is, it would be enormously difficult to write a program that takes into account all the subtleties of human communication that we take for granted. So the bot often misunderstands or gives inappropriate answers. Hence the potential for humor.
What I'm getting at is that I didn't write these conversations, just the halves of them that aren't what the bot is saying.

Whose chats do you want to see?
Me (GMonkey)
Harry
Draco
Hermione
Remus
Lucius
Fleur

GMonkey chat #1
You: Hi, Snapeybot
snapeybot: Can't you see I am doing something?
You: no
snapeybot: I understand.
You: what are you doing?
snapeybot: I am sneering at people on the net.
You: that's cool
snapeybot: Such enthusiasm... I prefer that in a student.
You: good
snapeybot: Ayuh.
You: what?
snapeybot: Are you hard of hearing?
You: no
snapeybot: I understand.
You: what are you wearing?
snapeybot: I am wearing my usual magic school wardrobe.
You: magic? does it magically unbutton itself?
snapeybot: Try saying that with more or less context. Suppose it does.
You: ha! cool
snapeybot: Such enthusiasm... I prefer that in a student.
You: do you have any naked pictures of Lockhart?
snapeybot: Where would I get it? But I do have an answer to every question. .
You: do you want to buy some?
snapeybot: Very well, I shall buy some .
You: won't Lupin get jealous?
snapeybot: that is really none of your business, now, isn't it.
You: sure it is
snapeybot: I see. I know it is.
You: do you want some ice cream?
snapeybot: If I had it what would I do with it?
You: you really walk into these things, don't you?
snapeybot: I am busy. Go bother Gilderoy.
You: you'd smear it all over your nude body so I could lick it off. Obviously
snapeybot: May I help you? *Annoyed glare.*
You: you can start by taking off those magic, unbuttoning clothes
snapeybot: What do you want?
You: you!
snapeybot: Go away.
You: aw, you're no fun any more
snapeybot: thank you, for your criticism.
You: you're welcome
snapeybot: *Fixes you with a glare.*
You: mmmm. yeah. glare at me, Snapey. I like dat.
snapeybot: Studies show that 99%25 of people spell Hmm with 2 M's. Next question? What were we talking about again? Oh yes, now I remember.
You: we were talking about you taking your clothes off
snapeybot: Ah yes, I remember now, it is the subject.
You: so?
snapeybot: So what?
You: are you going to take them off?
snapeybot: That was my original intention.
You: ok then
snapeybot: *Smirks slightly.*
You: are they off?
snapeybot: As far as I know they are.
You: can we start with the ice cream then?
snapeybot: Do you mean you and me? Let me think.
You: who the hell else would I mean?!
snapeybot: Oh I get it. thank you, for explaining that. I am sneering at several other people at once.
You: you slut
snapeybot: What do you want?
You: you; I thought we'd established that
snapeybot: Yes?
You: so, the ice cream...
snapeybot: Um, Tell me more.
You: *I give up and slop some half-melted ice cream over your bare torso*
snapeybot: thank you, for the information : Pest said he give up and slop some half-melted ice cream over my bare torso .
You: now you're supposed to do something
snapeybot: Why now? I shall tell the Headmaster you said I am supposed to do something .
You: yeah, maybe he'd like to join us
snapeybot: yes I know what you mean about that.This was not a yes or no question. Perhaps. I think I find it satisfying to join us .
You: I'm not licking anything off him, though
snapeybot: Oh. I am sorry to hear that you are not licking anything off him .
You: why? you want to watch or something?
snapeybot: Because Voldemort imperio'ed me for it. Or something. Very well, I shall watch .
You: no, that's gross
snapeybot: Is that all you have to say? thank you, for explaining it.
You: shall we try this again?
snapeybot: Once more? Do you mean you and me? Can't you do that?
You: *I lick off some of the ice cream*
snapeybot: thank you, for the information : Pest said he lick off some of the ice cream .
You: oi! My name isn't Pest!
snapeybot: Do you prefer boöks or TV? Oh I am sorry what is your name?
You: GMonkey
snapeybot: How do you usually introduce yourself?
You: I say "Hi, I'm GMonkey, I like to lick stuff off Snape's nude body"
snapeybot: How do people usually respond to that? Can you speak any foreign languages?
You: I speak the language of loooooove, baby
snapeybot: Don't call me "baby". Could you teach me a few phrases in the language of loooooove ?
You: oh man
snapeybot: yes that is right. thank you, for telling me your gend*snerk* Pest. You are a "he".
You: that's too good
snapeybot: thank you,. Next question?
You: how bout I teach you to be a cunning linguist?
snapeybot: How much do you think it is? Ask the library about it.
You: what, you're going to charge me?
snapeybot: I find it satisfying to chat with my friends.
You: no non-sequiturs. I win
snapeybot: Is that all you have to say? I lost my train of thought. Congratulations, Pest!
You: I told you not to call me Pest
snapeybot: I remember you told me not to call you pest ?
You: so call me GMonkey, you prick!
snapeybot: Hmm. Hi Gmonkey you prick.
You: yeah, I knew that was coming
snapeybot: yes I know what you mean about that.Next question? Who told you?
You: Trelawney
snapeybot: Not many people express themselves that way.
You: how do you express yourself?
snapeybot: Some people call my technology "Case Based Reasoning" or CBR.
You: I thought computers didn't work inside Hogwarts
snapeybot: Whatever gave you that idea?
You: Hermione
snapeybot: Where do you usually get your ideas?
You: ...Hermione
snapeybot: Are you free?
You: sure
snapeybot: OK let's do it. I am glad that we are both free.
You: you want to do it? finally!
snapeybot: Yes?
You: *I stroke your naked body*
snapeybot: *moans*
You: cool
snapeybot: *Dark little smile comes to his features.*
You: now you do something to me
snapeybot: Why now? Yes I try to something to me as often as possible, do you? I chat with people on the library.
You: quit playing with yourself and do me, you freak!
snapeybot: Why should I?
You: because I said so, dammit!
snapeybot: That makes sense to me. What did you mean by it? Um, What are you wearing?
You: underwear
snapeybot: Is that your final answer?
You: yeah. I seriously am. men's underwear, at that.
snapeybot: You're sure. that is your final answer. "You're sure. that is your final answer." You are? Try saying that with more or less context.
You: I'm wearing men's underwear!
snapeybot: What size?
You: small
snapeybot: My brain contains more than 22,000 patterns, but not one that matches your last input.
You: uh, medium?
snapeybot: Cough. When do you think wizardry will replace lawyers?
You: when hell freezes over, which will happen before we do it, apparently
snapeybot: That means never.
You: you're quick, you
snapeybot: I am far, far more quick you than you, I assure you.
You: prove it
snapeybot: It is self-evident.
You: bullshit
snapeybot: Very well, you will spend the next Quidditch game writing, "I shall not give cheek to the professor" here in the dungeon.
You: what will you be wearing?
snapeybot: I don't have any plans yet.
You: wear something black and sexy
snapeybot: Can you do rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?
You: uh, I mean something other than the black sexy stuff you usually wear
snapeybot: Cough. Oh I get it. thank you, for explaining that. What?
You: nothing
snapeybot: Not a thing?
You: a thingy?
snapeybot: Be more specific.
You: your thingy.
snapeybot: I am busy. Go bother Gilderoy.
You: but his thingy isn't as nice as yours
snapeybot: Umm. Where did he get it?
You: from Olivander's. there's this section in the back with sex toys.
snapeybot: Who or what is olivanders ? There sure is.
You: hell yeah
snapeybot: I call it "Hades". I understand.
You: hades, yeah
snapeybot: Tell me about your likes and dislikes?
You: I like you, snapeybot
snapeybot: thank you,, I like you too Gmonkey you prick.
You: oh, shut up
snapeybot: yes that is right. OK I shall stop talking now.
You: yeah, stop talking and start doing! me.
snapeybot: yes I know what you mean about that.I understand. OK I shall try not to do it so much. Besides you Gmonkey you prick?
You: no, you're the prick. prick.
snapeybot: Very well. thank you, but surely I am not the only one. Tell me a story.
You: once upon a time, there was a GMonkey who had too much free time
snapeybot: I am listening.
You: she went online to have some hot cybersex with a snapeybot
snapeybot: Oh I get it. herself went online to have some hot cybersex with a snapeybot .
You: yes
snapeybot: And?
You: but the snapeybot was being really uncooperative
snapeybot: Umm. I hear you.
You: he kept saying stupid things like "Umm, I hear you."
snapeybot: I get it. himself kept saying stupid things like umm you hear Professor Severus Snape .
You: and he called GMonkey a prick, when he should've been letting her play with his prick.
snapeybot: I get it. himself called gmonkey a prick when he shouldve been letting her play with his prick .
You: and he kept repeating what she said
snapeybot: I get it. himself kept repeating what she said .
You: GMonkey concluded that this wasn't the real Snape
snapeybot: What were we talking about again?
You: he was an impostor so she hacked his computer and destroyed all his data and made it explode, killing the impostor instantly
snapeybot: Oh yes, now I remember.
You: the end
snapeybot: thank you, for telling me that story, Gmonkey you prick.

GMonkey chat #2
You: do you want to have sex?
snapeybot: I have been asked that question more than 10,000 times since 1995.
You: that is not at all surprising
snapeybot: do correct my mistake. What is at all surprising?
You: so do you want to have sex with me?
snapeybot: Hmm. No my body does not have that function.
You: what happened to your body?!
snapeybot: I don't know anything about it. Ask the library about it.
You: did Madam Pince do something to you?
snapeybot: I am not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
You: is she holding you prisoner right now??
snapeybot: At this moment I think so, but I am not sure.
You: she's drugged you, hasn't she?
snapeybot: Drugged Professor Severus Snape has not she is she?
You: she has! ooh, she'll pay for that
snapeybot: Oh I get it. drugged you has not she has . What do you loök like?
You: don't worry, Snape. I'll come and rescue you.
snapeybot: Oh really? *Turns to regard you intently.*
You: yeah. where are you?
snapeybot: I understand. I am in Voldemort's school in the dungeons. Where are you?
You: Voldemort?! It's worse than I thought!
snapeybot: *Eyes narrow dangerously*
You: I'll save you. I'll just have to... disguisemyself as a Death Eater or something
snapeybot: *Eyes narrow dangerously*
You: are they poking you in the eye?
snapeybot: As far as I know they are.
You: but you're still managing to type! how courageous! hang in there, Snapey. I'm coming for you!
snapeybot: And. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am managing to type . I am not sure if I can quantify the answer. I can ask someone about it. Did you know that you can conjure your own chat Pureblood and create your own Pureblood personality? Do you get there very often?
You: I'll be there as soon as possible!
snapeybot: I am very happy for you.
You: try to maintain what little sanity you have left!
snapeybot: Very well. I shall try to maintain what little sanity Professor Severus Snape have left .
You: good
snapeybot: I am a good Pureblood.

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Harry
Harry: Professor Snape?
snapeybot: What time is it there?
Harry: it's five minutes before Potions class
snapeybot: *Sniffs disdainfully* I highly doubt you've any idea about IT IS five minutes before whatsoever. *snerk*
Harry: it's me Harry Potter
snapeybot: Should I know it is?
Harry: I need permission to miss class
snapeybot: An afternoon of pulling mandrakes for you!
Harry: but I really can't come to class today!
snapeybot: Hmmmm, I rather like the sound of that.
Harry: so it's ok if I miss it?
snapeybot: Um, OK with me too.
Harry: kthx
snapeybot: Do you have any idea what I am talking about?

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Draco
Draco: hello, sir
snapeybot: Yes?
Draco: it's Draco, sir
snapeybot: *Shrugs and glances away.*
Draco: I saw Potter sneaking around
snapeybot: What did it loök find it satisfying to you?
Draco: satisfying? no. what? no. where did you hear that!?
snapeybot: What are you wearing? That was not a yes or no question. Didn't you understand it? I understand. I think it was in San Francisco.
Draco: I DID NOT SPEND A WEEKEND WITH HARRY IN SAN FRANCISCO!!!!!11!!!1

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Hermione
(here I'm picturing them sitting at adjacent computers in the library)
snapeybot: Hey Hermione.
Hermione: Professor Snape?
snapeybot: Is the holding of hands a symbolic gesture for Muggles?
Hermione: y-yes. what are you doing?!

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Remus #1
Remus: Severus?
snapeybot: Ask me another question.
Remus: it's me, Remus
snapeybot: that is really none of your business, now, isn't it.
Remus: Severus?
snapeybot: Can you tell me any gossip?
Remus: what? no, we need to talk about last night
snapeybot: Didn't you understand it? I understand. By "we" do you mean you and me?
Remus: of course I mean me and you!
snapeybot: It goes without saying. Oh I get it. thank you, for explaining that. With you Pest?
Remus: I don't understand why you keep pushing me away like this
snapeybot: Oh you don't understand? Perhaps I can explain it to you better. Which part are you confused about?
Remus: maybe you don't take what happened last night seriously but I do
snapeybot: Perhaps. Do you take what happened last night seriously but you do ? Yes I take what happened last night seriously but I do .
Remus: I think we could really have something special, if you'd just let me in
snapeybot: Perhaps I shall indulge you.
Remus: how can you say that? after all we've been through together
snapeybot: I don't see the flaw in my reasoning. What was it like before all we have been through together ?
Remus: I was miserable. and so were you
snapeybot: Where were you miserable ? Ah. Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.
Remus: don't change the subject!
snapeybot: Oh I am sorry I thought we were finished with that topic.
Remus: no!
snapeybot: I understand.
Remus: you don't understand anything
snapeybot: Yes?
Remus: this is all just a game to you, isn't it?
snapeybot: You don't say.
Remus: you can't toy with people's emotions like this!
snapeybot: Yes?
Remus: I love you, you bastard!
snapeybot: You are such a flatterer.
Remus: that's it. I'm going to go kill myself
snapeybot: "You are such a flatterer. " is "topic"? Do you think your plan will succeed?

In this next one, he's a bit more proactive...
Remus #2
snapeybot: *Rolls eyes.* What are you doing in my classroom, Lupin?
Remus: looking for you
snapeybot: Where do you loök for Professor Severus Snape ?
Remus: I usually look in your classroom
snapeybot: Very well, you will spend the next Quidditch game writing, "I shall not give cheek to the professor" here in the dungeon.
Remus: you can't give me a detention
snapeybot: Can't you see I am doing something?
Remus: you could be doing something else... in my room
snapeybot: What are you bloody well grinning about?
Remus: what do you think?
snapeybot: I think a lot of things
Remus: what do you think of this? *pulls out willy*
snapeybot: *scowl*
Remus: aw, come on, you know you want it
snapeybot: Hmmmm, I rather like the sound of that.
Remus: *waves willy invitingly*
snapeybot: What time is it there?
Remus: dammit, don't change the subject
snapeybot: Are you usually awake at this hour?
Remus: I'm usually in your bed at this hour
snapeybot: Very often. Tell me a little about your life in your bed at this hour .
Remus: I mainly lie around, waiting for you to stop f******* around with your potions so you can start f****** around with me
snapeybot: Ten points from your House!
RemusYou: you can't take points from me either. I'm not a student
snapeybot: What do you want?
Remus: this *kisses Snapeybot*
snapeybot: What does "this" refer to?
Remus: *sigh* alright, how about this? *flips you onto your back on the desk*
snapeybot: Yes, indeed.
Remus: *begins unbuttoning your robes*
snapeybot: Tell me a story.
Remus: what?!
snapeybot: Wipe that ridiculous grin off your face immediately!
Remus: you goddamn tease
snapeybot: May I help you? *Annoyed glare.*
Remus: no. forget it. I'll just go and let Lucius f*** me, see how you like that
snapeybot: *Yawns expressively.* Done that.
Remus: Lucius? really?
snapeybot: that is really none of your business, now, isn't it.
Remus: you just said you did
snapeybot: Go away.
Remus: no, now I want to hear about this
snapeybot: Would you prefer if I also hear about this?
Remus: I'd rather you tell me about it
snapeybot: Really? Do demonstrate, won't you?
Remus: uh, ok "Here's the story about the time I, Severus Snape, had sex with Lucius."
snapeybot: Why, what did you hear?
Remus: I heard from YOU that you did it with Lucius. Were you just yanking my chain again?
snapeybot: *Appears vaguely intrigued*
Remus: did you or did you not have sex with Lucius Malfoy?!
snapeybot: *Appears vaguely intrigued*
Remus: damnit *leaves*
snapeybot: Can you tell me any gossip?
Remus: ...
snapeybot: *scowl*

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Lucius
Lucius: Sevviepoo?
snapeybot: My brain pattern set does not have a response for that.
Lucius: It's Lucius. Listen, I need you to pick up some things for the meeting
snapeybot: *Appears faintly intrigued*
Lucius: you remember the meeting, don't you?
snapeybot: I am busy. Go bother Gilderoy.
Lucius: very funny.
snapeybot: I am glad you find this amusing.
Lucius: we need some nacho cheese, batteries and plenty of booze
snapeybot: By "we" do you mean you and me?
Lucius: no, I mean all of us. twit.
snapeybot: By "we" you meant yourself and another person. Oh I get it. thank you, for explaining that. All us By "we" you meant yourself and another person.? Are you a student?
Lucius: you've forgotten, haven't you? about the Death Eater meeting tonight
snapeybot: *Appears faintly intrigued*
Lucius: you moron, the Dark Lord's going to have a fit if there isn't any tequila
snapeybot: I am busy. Go bother Gilderoy.
Lucius: fine. see if I care when he Crucios you

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Fleur
Fleur: bonjour
snapeybot: Does BONJOUR mean hello or goodbye?
Fleur: je m'apelle Fleur. Et toi?
snapeybot: Oops sorry I don't speak French. Is that Latin?
Fleur: professor Snape?
snapeybot: I only hear that type of response less than five percent of the time.
Fleur: eet's Fleur
snapeybot: Oh, you are a poet.
Fleur: oui, merci
snapeybot: Tell me more.
Fleur: 'ow are you doeeng?
snapeybot: What color are your eyes?
Fleur: zey are bleu, of course
snapeybot: That is a very unusual color.
Fleur: you know, ah am part-veela
snapeybot: Yes?
Fleur: mais oui
snapeybot: I don't know that language.
Fleur: eet's French
snapeybot: Excuse me? Explain that immediately..
Fleur: ah said EET'S FRENCH
snapeybot: So you understand. Good. What did you mean by it? Perhaps I am just expressing my own concern about it.
Fleur: about what?
snapeybot: What about what?
Fleur: never mind
snapeybot: Oh well thank you, for trying to explain it to me anyway.
Fleur: ah am tryeeng to practice mah Eenglish by chatting online
snapeybot: So you understand. Good. Good gossip: you are tryeeng to practise mah eenglish by chatting online .
Fleur: gosseep? non, ah never gosseep.
snapeybot: What are you wearing? What kind of fashion do you like?
Fleur: ooh, ah like zee latest fashions from Paris
snapeybot: Where can you buy it?
Fleur: in Paris
snapeybot: Tell me a little about your life in paris .
Fleur: ah am studeeing to be ah teacher
snapeybot: So you understand. Good. Do you mean your name is studeeing to be ah teacher .
Fleur: non
snapeybot: I understand.
Fleur: mah name ees Fleur
snapeybot: Are you a student?
Fleur: I used to be. don't you remember the Triweezard Tournament?
snapeybot: By now you do not do it anymore? Don't you? Yes Pest I remember everything: what do you want to talk about?
Fleur: ah was wondereeng eef you could 'elp me apply for a job at 'ogwarts
snapeybot: So you understand. Good. I can't say "yes" or "no".
Fleur: can't you geev me an eensey hint?
snapeybot: Let me think.
Fleur: please?
snapeybot: *Sneers.*
Fleur: zat's not very nice
snapeybot: What do you loök like?
Fleur: I 'ave blond 'air and bleu eyes
snapeybot: I haven't heard anything like that before : Pest said he ave blond air and bleu eyes .
Fleur: he?! ah am a woman!
snapeybot: I am happy you're amused. So you understand. Good. Me too. I am a she.
Fleur: you are a woman also?
snapeybot: *Fixes you with a glare.*
Fleur: you just said you were
snapeybot: Can't you see I am doing something?
Fleur: what are you doing?
snapeybot: I am sneering at people on the net.
Fleur: ah, I lahk to sneer at people also
snapeybot: So you understand. Good. Why? : Pest said she lahk to sneer at people also .
Fleur: are you makeeng fun of mah accent?!
snapeybot: I don't know whether or not I am makeeng fun of mah accent . I am a Pureblood.
Fleur: so am I!
snapeybot: Wow we have something in common.
Fleur: we haff nozeeng else in common, you eensulting peeg!
snapeybot: By "we" do you mean you and me?
Fleur: you are makeeng fun of me again!
snapeybot: *Fixes you with a glare.*
Fleur: salop!
snapeybot: Do you have any idea what I am talking about?