Humor
Harry PotterLightbulb jokes
Haiku
Snapeybot
Van Helsing vs. Lupin
Messed Up Alphabet
X-Files
Top 30...
NEW: Miscellaneous
Horrifying Halloween Costumes
Harry Potter
Lightbulb jokes
Here are some dumb jokes I thought up:
Q: How many Rons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ron can't afford lightbulbs
Q: How many Hermiones does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Lighbulbs don't work at Hogwarts, how many times do I have to tell you?!
Q: How many Snapes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Zero. He gives Neville a detention and makes him do it instead.
Q: How many Harry Potters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Q: How many Remuses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Remus can't affor- um... let me get back to you on that one.
Q: How many Umbridges does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: She passes a decree making it illegal for lightbulbs to burn out.
Q: How many Siriuses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Sirius can't change lightbulbs! He's dead! Hahahaha!
(Advisory: joke funnier if you're Snape.)
Q: How many Centaurs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The lightbulbs are bright tonight.
Haiku
There's actually more to haiku than just the pattern of syllables. The poems are supposed to involve motion or change and nature. Though the ones that aren't exactly haiku are still funny. I'm not sure why that is. Something about having to be so brief - things often have to be implied instead of stated explicitly, and then you have something very blunt in the last line; the three-line structure seems well-suited for setting up a punchline.
So anyway, here's my funny haiku, and links to other people's. In case you haven't noticed, I like slash. It seems to present more opportunities for humor, for one thing.
By GMonkey:
as the blossom pines for Spring
it's too bad he's gay
bathed in pale moonlight
the wolf cries out for his mate
but Snape's shagging Black
black robes billowing
he always seems so pissed-off
yet so beautiful
hair like the raven
and eyes black like the adder
not like a bunny
an earthquake builds from
accumulated tension
Snape needs to get laid
A bunch of haiku about Snapeslash, from
snape_a_day.Snape Haiku Potery on Grusha.net.
Fun With Snapeybot
You can play with Aimlesscoyote's amazing internet chatting Snapeybot yourself. It's fun. Here are the transcripts of my chats with him:
The Snapeybot transcripts are rated R for naughty language, references to thingies and inappropriate use of ice cream. Also slash.
as myself
as Harry
as Draco
as Hermione
as Remus
as Lucius
as Fleur
Van Helsing vs Lupin
I saw Van Helsing, finally. It was pretty much what I expected - cheesey plot, cheesier dialog, sexy-ass vampires. So I enjoyed it. But it occurred to me: we have two summer movie werewolves. Clearly, PoA is going to be the better movie but one can't help wonder: which one is going to have the better werewolf? Here, exclusively on piratemonkeysinc.com, the breakdown:Van Helsing vs Professor Lupin
Hair: Not only does Van Helsing have much better hair in wolf-form, but Lupin has that god-awful maitre d' mustache. Van Helsing wins this one.
Van Helsing: 1, Lupin: 0
Weaponry: True, Van Helsing has an arsenal of improbably high-tech weapons built by a secret order of monks but Lupin's got a magic wand and a trunk full o' boggart. I'm going to have to give this one to Van Helsing, if only because of those neat spinning saw things.
Van Helsing: 2, Lupin: 0
Arch Nemesis: Dracula and Snape both have sexy accents, cool powers and even cooler black outfits. Dracula has three undead harpy brides. Snape has Lucius. This one's a tie.
Van Helsing: 2.5, Lupin: 0.5
Pretty Brunette Girlfriend Who (eventually) Dies: She may have nicer boobs but Gary Oldman is approximately twelve billion times cooler than Kate Beckinsale. Point for Lupin.
Van Helsing: 2.5, Lupin: 1.5
Sidekick: Carl is cool and all but Lupin's got the trio and they could easily kick Carl's ass. Hell, Hermione by herself could kick Carl's ass (Ron couldn't though).
Van Helsing: 2.5, Lupin: 2.5
Werewolf Powers: Van Helsing can climb walls, throw huge objects and beat up a vampire. Lupin can... look moderately scary and howl.
Van Helsing: 3.5, Lupin 2.5
Backstory That Actually Makes Some Freaking Sense: Lupin's a half-blood wizard who was bitten by a werewolf as a child and his family, teachers and colleagues have coped with the curse as best they could. Van Helsing was bitten by a werewolf who was Anna's brother and first she wants to spare him then suddenly she's all "never mind, let's kill him" and actually tries to kill him herself but then gets all mad when Van Helsing kills him. And it turns out Van Helsing's somehow the "left hand of God" whatever that's supposed to mean, and Dracula keeps calling him Gabriel; are we therefore to conclude that he's actually the archangel Gabriel? And that the Vatican wiped his memory so they could use him as a convenient assassin? And you know they're setting it up for an unnecessary sequel. And what's the deal with him killing Dracula? Isn't Van Helsing in the actual book supposed to kill the same Dracula under very different circumstances when he's much older? And what the hell was that about Frankenstein's monster having to be hooked up to the machine to bring those flying gremlin things to life? How the shit was that supposed to work? And how come Anna can get thrown around and fall dozens of feet and just get up without a scratch but then she dies from being tackled by a werewolf?
Van Helsing: -50, Lupin 2.5
So, as you can see, Lupin is the better werewolf.
Tune in next time for Who's The Better Vampire: Dracula vs Snape.
The Messed Up Harry Potter Alphabet
I posted this in a comment in ozmavul's LJ because she posted a messed up alphabet so here's my messed up Harry Potter alphabet. The theme, in case you can't tell, is basically things that pop up in fanfic that are horrifying and sometimes also really funny.Albus/sherbert lemon
Barty/Moody
Crookshanks/Mrs. Norris
Dominatrix!Hermione
Evanescence songfic
Fawkes/Hedwig
Ginny has Draco's love child
Hermaphrodite!Harry (with Mpreg!)
I'm at work so I can't put a whole lot of thought into this. But here it is anyway.
James' corpse/Sirius/Harry
Kan't think of anything for 'K' right now
Lily/squid
'Mione
Norbert/Fang
Overused euphemisms for 'penis'
Pulsating manhood
Quidditch team orgy
Remus being a prostitute
Snape being nice
Tonks using her metamorphmagus abilities in a sexual context
Umbridge/anybody
Voldemort/anybody but Lucius
Werewolf!Lupin/Dog!Sirius
XXX hardcore centaur action!
Y do sum ppl rite their entire fic leik this?
Zombie!Sirius... having sex!
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X-Files
Top 30...
The following is basically a whole crapload of moderately amusing inside jokes for people who like both X-Files and South Park.Top 30 things that should be in a South Park/X-Files crossover:
30. An alien spaceship lands and Officer Barbrady denies everything.
29. Chaco Chicken wants to hire those “America’s Most Wanted” producers.
28. Scully and Stan’s sister Shelly have a long, heart-to-heart talk about how hard it is to be an adolescent girl with braces.
27. Mulder considers a visit to Tom’s Rhinoplasty, but then he sees what happened to Mr. Garrison and changes his mind.
26. Scully tries to examine Cartman’s anal probe; Cartman farts and sets Scully’s hair on fire.
25. The Monkey Baby with 5 asses makes a special guest appearance.
24. Skinner gets kicked in the ‘nads by Robert Smith. Smith claims Holly did it.
23. Mr. Hat says “Kill Kathie Lee! The bitch must die!” Mulder’s convinced the hand puppet is possessed and shoots it. Except he misses and shoots Mr. Garrison.
22. Scully conducts a paternity test and yes, Mr. Garrison is the mutant pig baby’s biological father.
21. The Lone Gunmen use a supercomputer to decipher what Kenny’s saying. Scully washes his filthy little mouth out with soap.
20. Mulder starts wearing aviator sunglasses, whacking people with a night stick, and saying “Respect my authoritaaah”
19. Mulder throws out his porno tapes and starts watching “Terrence and Philip”.
18. After a chat with Wendy, Scully loads Phoebe Green into a rocket and launches it into the center of the sun.
17. Mulder scores with Cartman’s mom.
16. Scully scores with Cartman’s mom.
15. Frohike scores with Cartman’s mom.
14. Sparky the dog gets eaten by an alligator.
13. For some reason, Mulder pukes every time Scully talks to him.
12. Cartman introduces Mulder to the wonders of Cheesey Poofs. Mulder never looks at another sunflower seed again.
11. Scully accidentally spills Worstecher sauce on the body she’s dissecting. Zombie-filled mayhem ensues.
10. Mulder finds a frozen corpse and thinks it’s a fossilized alien…..but it’s just Kenny.
9. Scully is kidnapped by Scuzzlebutt.
8. Mulder joins Kyle in singing the ‘Lonely Jew on Christmas’ song. They are comforted by the presence of Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo. Until...
7. The Flukeman eats Mr. Hankey
6. Mulder drops his gun, and it fires and kills Kenny.
5. Kyle’s mom sees Mulder’s magazine collection and starts slingshoting people at the Playboy mansion.
4. Chef advises Mulder to serenade Scully with a love song. It doesn’t work.
3. Mulder makes a fat joke and pisses off Cartman. For the first time in his life, Mulder wins a fight.
2. Prompted by a phone call from her dead dog Queequeg, Scully decides to adopt Starvin’ Marvin.
1. Stan’s uncle Jimbo screams “It’s comin’ right for us!” and fires a bazooka at Mulder’s goldfish.
You know what's cool? I e-mailed this (actually an earlier version of this but it was pretty much the same) to Dean Haglund (a.k.a. Langley), back when he had enough free time to answer all his fanmail individually and he said it was funny. Back to top
Miscellaneous
Horrifying Halloween Costumes
I googled "halloween costumes" and found this site. It has some awesome costumes and a lot of really awful ones. Guess which these are.
Be cute and racist!
"Sexy" and "Trekkie" do NOT belong together. But it could be worse. They could have a male version.
As if Jeremy Sumpter's Lifetime channel teenager-addicted-to-porn movie weren't enough of an affront to decency.
Did they take a normal secretary costume and just randomly chop bits off of it? $48.99 for $1.50-worth of fabric.
Dear God, what is that thing on her head?!
Giant, fake boobs sold separately.
When Hermione-Sue authors go too far.
A female Sherlock Holmes in a bare-midriff shirt. You can't make this crap up. Too bad she's not holding a pipe suggestively in front of her mouth.
If they're going for some kind of anime character, she's actually a little too covered up.
Not too horrible except how the hell do you walk in it?
"Honey Girl": because coming right out and calling it "hooker" would be tacky.
Mini-me sold separately.
What the crap is "Chamber Matrix"? Just get some hot pants and a bra, attach two random words to it and call it a costume. Works for me.
...no comment
Carry a little sign that says "From Hell" in case the half-exposed bossoms are too subtle.
Yeah, golf. That's really sexy. Coming next year: "Sexy Bowler!"
Sexualizing Girl Scouts. Nothing borderline criminal about that.
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