Pirate Monkeys Inc.

Captain Petunia's
Reviews

Here's where I tell you whether movies and stuff are good or not.

Movies
Spiderman 2
The Village
Harry Potter 3: Revenge of the Harry Potters

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Spiderman 2

I only went to see this movie because I heard the bad guy was an octopus. I thought this would be a movie I could relate to, since I, too, have spent many a day battling the wily eight-legged foe. I'll just be sitting there, minding my own business, counting my treasure or something, and one of those squishy arms comes sneaking into the porthole to swipe my sandwich. Man, I hate those things. And I thought, finally, here was a movie that tells it like it is.

Unfortunately, I was sorely disappointed to find that, despite his name, "Doctor Octopus" is actually a mad scientist guy, with CLEARLY FAKE robot octopus arms. Hello? Octopusses aren't made of metal! Granted, mad scientists are pretty cool but if you go in to this movie expecting to see a real octopus get beaten up by a giant spider, you're in for a huge letdown.

Also, that Spiderman guy is a wuss. He keeps losing his spider powers for no reason. Because he's sad or something. Oh, boo hoo. If he got in a fight with a real octopus, it would kick his butt. And spray ink on him. And he'd probably cry. Now THAT would be a good movie.

I give this movie one skull.

The Village

The Village is a movie about a village, which is good because I like it when the title tells you what the movie is about. It starts out with some people living in a village and they're all peaceful and happy and they help each other and stuff so you just KNOW something bad is going to happen. I mean, come on. That village is just begging to be plundered. Too bad it's not near the ocean, or I'd have to find it and plunder it myself.

Instead of being plundered by pirates, the village is terrorized by some kind of giant killer hedgehog things. I'm not kidding. There's this one part, where there's a guy up in a watchtower, and it's at night, all spooky-like, and then he hears something so he goes to open the hatch. I was all "don't open the hatch!" and then someone told me to be quiet and I had to threaten him with my cutlass a little but I turned around in time to see some kind of giant red spiky thing run under the tower.

But I wasn't scared. I'm a brave pirate monkey captain. Like that part where the woman is holding out her hand in the doorway and the monster's right outside and it has these long, curved claws and everything and she's blind so she can't see it and it's got all spikes on its back and stuff? That part was so boring, I had to take a nap. That's why my eyes were closed. In case you were wondering.

I'd like to spoil the surprise twist-ending for you but I was so not at all scared that I had to go and play video games in the arcade for a while and I missed the ending. So I'll just say "he was really a ghost." That was probably it.

I give this movie zero skulls because it was so not scary.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Being a big, important pirate monkey captain, I don't have time to go around reading kids' books, so I don't know so much about this Harry Potter stuff. It seems pretty popular so I thought I'd better do a review of the new DVD. Before I start this review, however, I just want to make it totally clear that I don't read kids' books or watch kids' movies and I definitely do not go on the internet to chat about Harry Potter and I most certainly did not write a love letter to Professor Snape; that is a vicious rumor spread by my enemies to discredit me. Because Harry Potter is for kids and I am not a kid. I am a pirate monkey and I'm too busy with my official pirate monkey duties to sit around watching a kids' movie like Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban so I didn't actually watch it and I have no opinion as to whether they shouldn't have eliminated the explanation of the origins of the Marauder's Map because that was pretty important and it's going to be harder to fit that into later movies, not that I care because I emphatically did not knit myself a Slytherin scarf and I don't like Harry Potter because it's for kids.

I give this movie five skulls because I heard it was good, not that I watched it myself because pirate monkeys are too tough to watch a kids' movie.

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