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Ahoy Capt Petunia,
Do you have a list of the most unusual pirate names?
I'd like to see that list,matey.
John Duncan Shaw ( AKA: Pegleg "The Smeg")

Hmm, an unusual pirate name. Well it sure isn't "Pegleg The Smeg." I know about fifteen pirates named that.

If a certain puzzley, piratey-themed MMORPG has taught me anything, any name with "girl," "gurl," "X," or "izzle" in it is out because those names are all ludicrously popular among alleged pirates. I guess an unusual pirate name would be something totally unpiratey, like "Fluffy." ...except a pirate might be named Fluffy if it's supposed to be all ironic and funny, because the pirate is actually not at all fluffy. So it has to be something that's un-piratey but not the total opposite of piratey. I'm going to go with "Peanut Butter." "That's silly," you say? Have you ever met a pirate named Peanut Butter? I didn't think so.

Now I want some peanut butter.

~ Captain Petunia

GAR! I be wondering if you had to be taught to be a pirate monkey?....AARRrrrrrrrr. I have to much time on my hands(if ye be wonder'in i ai'nt will'in to give up me booty for classes.....)

You have to much time? Do you like muching time, then? That's your first problem right there: too much time-muching and not enough pillaging. Don't worry, it's a common mistake.

Freelance pirates are OK but if you want to be a really cool pirate, you'll need to join a crew. You can see information about that on the info page. In fact, you can see pretty much all the info you need on the info page. That's why it's called the info page. What are you bothering me for?

~ Captain Petunia

From: COLIN SHAND{MR}.
GLENDOVEN FARMS,
CHIPINGE, ZIMBABWE.

Dear Sir/Madam,
You may be surprised to receive this letter from me since you do not know me personally. I got your contact through network online hence decided to write you. I am MR.COLIN SHAND, a well known white Zimbabwean Farmer, the owner of Diary farms limited in Zimbabwe. I own three tobacco farms in Chipinge, and I am also a majority owner of Glendevon Farm also situated in Chipinge, in Zimbabwe. You can see more details about my situation and BBC interviews on the web site below: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/2187981.stm I am contacting you as the need for me to have a foreign partner in your country has become necessary due to our plans to relocate to that country, so that I can purchase some lands and start farming all over again. As the present political Instability in Zimbabwe does not encourage financial Investment as the environment is no longer conducive for farming Investment and most of all security is not insured, just as reported by most international media. This problem started when the Zimbabwean government under the leadership of President Robert Mugabe announced a decree on May 31st 2000 to seize more than 849 white-owned farms. During these periods, as reported by International media and the CNN, more than 6 white farmers were killed. The government did not stop at this, as just recently the government have asked all white-farmers to give up their farms to black farmers or risk going to prison. So far, more than 1,400 white owned farms have been Invaded and confiscated, as well as claiming the properties of the farmers. Also, about 133 white farmers were arrested for defying the orders to leave their farms under the controversial land reform programme of the government. Having lived in this country Zimbabwe for more than 35 years, I have no other country to go to, Therefore, I decided to contact you, for your assistance, so that I can divert my Interest in Zimbabwe to a more stable country as yours. Also, I must re-iterate the importance of having a citizen of your country to front for me and my partner who is in Europe now, since we intend to purchase some lands for farming, I do not know much about your land-ownership laws, I thought it wise to seek the help of a citizen to act as proxy for us. For this purpose, I have put in a security company deposit, all monies from the sale of our farming equipment ( including tractors etc ) and also all financial profits which all in total amounted to US$21.5Million, I will upon receiving your consent make all arrangement to move the funds to you pending my arrival to meet with you face to face in your country so that we can both make further arrangements with regards to the purchase of lands. Every modality will be worked out by me to ensure that the money is conveniently moved to your region to enable you receive it in person without any setbacks or inconveniences. For your assistance to me, you will be entitled to a commission of 30% of the total sum that you will be receiving from the finance security company as a consignment on my behalf for the above purpose. If you are interested and willing to assist me, you should please forward to me via my e-mail address the following information so that I can reach you:

1. YOUR FULL NAMES AND CONTACT ADDRESS
2. YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER
3. YOUR DATE OF BIRTH
4. YOUR CONFIRMATION TO HANDLE THIS BUSINESS FOR ME
5. YOUR WORD THAT YOU WILL KEEP THIS BUSINESS AS CONFIDENTIAL AS POSSIBLE AT ALL TIMES UNTIL WE CONCLUDE THIS BUSINESS

Please make sure that you reply back to this my private e-mail address [REDACTED so nobody tries to rip off this farmer guy before I do] I am waiting urgently for your response, while also requesting that you treat this matter in strict privacy. Presently, I am in great danger and will appreciate your correspondence with me via e-mail for now.

Cheers and God bless.

Best Regards
COLIN SHAND{MR}.
GLENDOVEN FARMS,
CHIPINGE, ZIMBABWE

Well, COLIN SHAND{MR}, I think coming to Pirate Monkey Islands to start a farm is a great idea. Since you were so kind as to offer me the oportunity to take all your money and skeedaddle help you, I'll even tell my crew not to pillage your farm much. Here's the info you need:
1. YOUR FULL NAMES AND CONTACT ADDRESS
Captain Petunia the Monkey. (Since my ship moves around a lot, I'd better just give you the address of the pub. They'll hang on to letters for me.) The Angry Drunken Mermaid, Bounty Bay, Pirate Monkey Islands
2. YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER
Telephone and fax?! Just stick a message in a bottle like everyone else. Geeze.
3. YOUR DATE OF BIRTH
58th Jeptembuary, 517.
That's on the Monkey Calendar. I'm not sure how to convert it to your hu-mon calendar.
4. YOUR CONFIRMATION TO HANDLE THIS BUSINESS FOR ME
Yeah, I'll "handle" it. Heh heh heh.
5. YOUR WORD THAT YOU WILL KEEP THIS BUSINESS AS CONFIDENTIAL AS POSSIBLE AT ALL TIMES UNTIL WE CONCLUDE THIS BUSINESS
Sure, I- oh. See, I kind of already put it up on my website. And that's not exactly confidential because literally bazillions of people see this site every day. I hope that didn't mess up any of your plans. Tell you what, just put the money in a big sack and let me know where it is. I'll take care of the rest.

~ Captain Petunia

Dear captain Petunia, as the Principal of Framley College of educational knowledge, i am keen to promote primate education. I can either run a course on Monkey Piracy or Monkey Butlering. I am concerned that there may be too many unqualified pirate monkeys entering the industry, with the possibility of incident/accidents. maybe I could interst your crew in a Workbased l;earning course in elementary cutlass work, or High seas piracy?
Yours sincerely
Dave Cheesecake
http://feck7.tripod.com

Dear Captain Petunia:

I plan on having some pirate mates over to me ship to celebrate the upcoming International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Me one concern is that although I intend to provide a fair amount of wenches and pillageable booty for me hearties at this party, I'm afeared they may wander to my neighbors' houses and well, you know. Any suggestions for keepin' me pirate mates from terrorizing the neighbors?

Thanks,

Cap'n Bluebush

Arr, that's a tricky one. On the one hand, you want your hearties to have a good time but on the other hand, you don't want the neighbors to get pillaged. And you sure don't want to come right out and tell your guests not to go a-plunderin' next door, because then they might think you're not cool. I'd recommend one of those invisible fences. Not the voodoo magic ones, because those are pretty expensive. I'm talking about those things you can get for dogs, you know, where you have sensors around the perimeter and if they go past it, they get shocked? You could hand out the collars as party favors at the beginning of the shindig and they'll never suspect a thing. Of course, it might be a problem when they try to go home and they keep getting zapped. I figure either the batteries in the collars will run out or the repeated shocks will render your guests unconscious and you'll be able to retrieve the collars all discreetly-like. Problem solved!

~ Captain Petunia