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Aptitude Test do you have what it takes to be a pirate monkey?
Which Famous Pirate Monkey Are You?
Info
FAQ
Q: What is a pirate monkey?
A: A pirate monkey is a monkey who is also a pirate or, if you prefer, a pirate who is also a monkey.
Q: What do pirate monkeys usually do?
A: Most novices have the impression that fightin' drinkin' and pillagin' make up the bulk of a pirate monkey's day but there's more to piracy than that! A pirate monkey's main occupation is the acquisition of treasure, and secondary to that is hiding and/or spending said treasure. This involves not only the actual stealing *ahem* finding of the treasure but also the maintenance of one's ship, training, traveling, maintaining professional contacts and escaping from jail. Pirate monkeys also have a variety of outside interests, such as needlepoint. After all, all work and no play makes Mongo a dull pirate monkey!
Q: What do I have to do to become a pirate monkey?
A: The first step to becoming a pirate monkey is to find a ship and join its crew. When you're just starting out, you should expect to be fairly low-ranking. Deck-swabber and bilge-pump-cleaner-outer are typical entry-level positions. To apply for the job, one should usually inquire with the first mate. Remember to bring your resume, a list of references and some bribe money. You can see a sample resume here.
Q: Do I have to have good grades?
A: HA HA ha ha ha! Whew. Excuse us. No, you do not have to have good grades to become a pirate monkey. In fact, paying attention in school instead of drawing crude and obscene doodles and plotting to blow up school toilets may actually be a detriment. People who get good grades often wind up in such boring, hum-drum professions as biochemist, astronaut or CEO. You do not want to be one of these people. Come and join us! Be a pirate monkey! Arrr!
Q: Do I have to bring my own gear?
A: That depends on your captain; some ships provide their crew with weapons, eyepatches, underpants and things of that nature, while other captains expect their crew to purchase their own supplies. If your captain falls into the latter category, you can find just about anything a pirate monkey would need at our online store but remember: a pirate monkey's most important tool is not a sword, nor a knife, nor an incendiary device of some kind; it is a positive, can-do attitude.
Q: What if I'm not a monkey?
A: Well, then you'd just be a pirate and not a pirate monkey, wouldn't you? This site is for pirate monkeys. Go away.
Q: What if I have some prisoners and no one pays the ransom? Should I make them walk the plank?
A: You could do that, or you could sell them off.
Fighting
If you're going to be a pirate monkey, you'll need to know how to fight like one. Pirate monkeys usually try to avoid physical confrontation, instead choosing to intimidate their opponents with devastatingly witty insults or with booger jokes, depending on the intellectual level of the individual pirate monkey. In case you do find yourself in a street brawl, here are some handy tips:- Never fight fair.
- If your opponent thinks they've won and turns around to leave, get up and kick them in the butt. Then run away.
- Keep some extra weapons concealed on your body - for example, a dagger in your boot or a flamethrower in your hat.
- Have some accomplices standing by in case the fight isn't going your way.
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Pirate Monkey Vernacular
So you've got a job on a pirate ship but you can't understand what the heck everyone's saying? Here's a handy guide to piratey jargon. Study this and soon you'll sound just like anyone else on your crew!
arrr - depending on the context, this can mean 'hello,' 'goodbye' or 'give me your money.' Sort of like 'aloha'bilge rat - not a nice person
grog - an alcoholic drink. Approach with caution!
mast - the thing that holds up the sail
rigging - ropes that go up the masts. Be careful climbing these!
salty - well-versed in the intricacies of pirating
swab the deck - sweep the floor
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How to Pillage
One of the most important parts of piracy is the pillaging. Finding buried treasure is always good but you can't depend on it for your primary source of income, what with competing treasure hunters, treasure-protecting curses and the rising cost of shovels. No, the sensible pirate monkey will always be ready to sack, plunder, rob or despoil, whenever the opportunity arises. Here are some tips for a pillaging strategy that's both profitable and fun!
Choose your victim.
You can pillage towns, villages, ships, you name it! Who knew there were so many things to pillage?Towns: If you pillage a town, it's best to bring along most of your crew but leave a few behind to guard your ship. Remember: you're not the only pillagin' pirate monkey out there!
Things to watch out for:
- Law enforcement. Depending on the town, this can range anywhere from a comically inept local sheriff to whole Royal Navy platoon. The telltale signs that you've encountered some law enforcement are uniforms, shiny badges and attempts to arrest you. It's generally a good idea to avoid these people.
- Dogs. Towns always seem to have some random stray dogs running around, looking for trash, like they're part of the scenery or something. They can usually be won over with a bone, especially if they have keys to a jail cell in which you happen to find yourself.
- Arsenals full of gunpowder that explode at an awkward time. There's not much we can say about these, except stay the heck away from them! Although, when handled properly, they can be useful for taking out a whole bunch of zombies at once.
Ships: Like pillaging a town, pillaging a ship is a group effort. This is where all that hard work you put in maintaining your vessel really pays off. You can pillage from just about any ship; here are some of the more common ones you're likely to encounter:
- Rowboats. These are easy to overcome but often do not contain any valuables.
- Yachts. These may or may not have valuables but watch out: some of them belong to heavily-armed organized crime boss types. We pirate monkeys prefer crime of the disorganized variety, so steer clear of these guys.
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Other pirate ships. This one's a toss-up. On the one hand, pirate ships often carry a substantial amount of treasure. On the other hand, they're pirate ships. If there's a particular piece of desired treasure on someone's ship, then go ahead and try to get it but expect an all-out sea battle.
If someone tries to pillage your ship: Those lowlifes! How dare they? It's a good idea to have a hiding place for your treasure, like maybe under a big mound of toilet paper. Then, if your enemy gets into your hold, they'll just think you're an insane pirate who hoards toilet paper and they'll probably back away slowly and leave you alone. - Warships. You're kidding, right? Seriously, though, it is possible to infiltrate one of these through stealth, though this operation often hinges on the assumption that most of the navy guys are bumbling and/or pompous.
- Cruise ships. You've hit the jackpot if you find one of these. They're loaded with loot, thanks to the presence of onboard casinos, plus they have tasty buffets. The downside is that you might run into another pirate crew trying to rob the ship at the same time. In a situation like this, it's best to be civil and split the loot evenly. Or push them overboard when they're not looking.
The Getaway
Nothing's more embarrassing than swiping some loot and then standing around waiting for your ride to show up. This is where the importance of having a well-organized crew becomes... important. It's a good idea to have a backup hiding place, in case the route back to your ship becomes inaccessible, due to fire, flooding, collapsed buildings or a yeti.Good backup hiding places:
- caves
- sewers
- abandoned shacks
- spooky houses that people think are haunted
- holes
- port-a-potties
- inhabited shacks
- spooky houses that actually are haunted
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